Fat acceptance.
It has taken me a long time to be able to look at those two
words together, two words that have recently become a movement, and to feel
comfortable with them. After all, isn’t being fat unacceptable? I was raised
with this notion and became an adult with this notion. I have toiled endlessly
under this notion and have failed just as endlessly under the idea that being
fat is inherently bad.
I am not entirely sure when I became aware I was fat, but I
know that I’ve been fat for my entire life. I can remember looking at a picture
of a two year old me when I was about five and noticing the roundness in my
face. One of my aunts was discussing the nature of my size with my grandmother,
insisting that I was “just healthy”. Family members would examine my plump
little physique when I would do handstands or back bend-overs, remarking on the
likelihood that I had lost weight as my abdomen stretched, only to be disproven
when I was upright once more and still chubby.
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That's me in the middle when I was eight. As you can see, I am a sweaty, dirty, chubby kid. Also, my mother is responsible for that hair cut. |
I rode my bike, played outside, climbed trees, swam, and
did all the things that other kids did. However, I did it with a little more
mass. I still like to think of myself as possessing my own special kind of
gravity, and I wish I could go back and tell my elementary school self that I
was okay just the way I was. But even if I could, I don’t know if I could have
listened.
Starting in third grade, other kids at school commented on
my size. The blatant comments of kids at school and veiled remarks adults thought
were out of earshot coalesced into understanding, and I was fat. It was hard
for me to understand exactly why I was fat since I saw other kids eat far more
than I did and remain thin, but I knew that this was at least one part of the
fatness equation, so I began to curtail my portions at school. Some days, I
would just eat an apple. I thought that if kids didn’t see me eating, then they
wouldn’t make fun of me. Teachers would see how little I ate and insist I eat
more, and so I battled through lunch, sometimes eating more and sometimes less
depending on my stealth and resolve.
Puberty came for me early, and by the time I was eleven, I
had even more fat in different places as well as all the fun of fluctuating
hormones. The bullying intensified and I was picked on nearly every day at the
bus stop and on the bus as well as in classes. The kids shamed me for being
fat, for being smart, or just for being…alive. My eating habits fluctuated up
and down depending on how much I was being teased and how much support and
acceptance I could find in my friends and family.
Raised a good Christian girl, I was taught by the Bible to
turn the other cheek, and I did. I thought God was testing me and that if I
could just be strong enough, one day, the other kids would stop picking on me,
or, miracle of miracles, that I might actually get to be thin. I thought,
maybe, God was testing my willpower and that I just had to fast like Jesus did,
and my blighted body would melt into svelte perfection. The fasting technique
was pretty difficult to execute, however, and so I would eat and not eat, on
and off. I enjoyed walking and being alone after school, and the woods around
my house became my sanctuary against temptation on my fasting days and just my
sanctuary of peace and relative silence on my non-fasting days. I did not get
any thinner.
I excelled at school academically, a teacher’s pet in
several classes. Socially, I floundered. I was able to make a few friends, but
as the gap between my intellectual achievements and my “coolness” widened, the
list of people that would talk to me or interact with me became shorter and
shorter. I watched as fat boys were able to retain popularity and acceptance
and was utterly flummoxed as to my own failures. Other fat girls existed, but
they didn’t talk to me. I didn’t talk to them. Some of them were mean, and I
was afraid of being picked on further, and some of them floated through the
hallways as invisibly as I did.
Highschool had its ups and downs…and downs and downs. I
discovered theater and really loved working on the tech crew. I sang in three
different choirs, two of them by audition. I maintained a 4.25 GPA my freshmen
year. I also discovered real eating disorders and the joys of having food
hurled at me by bullies at lunch. My academics and extracurricular activities
were wonderful, and I loved them, but these joys weren’t quite enough to
bolster my still failing social endeavors and my friends weren’t the kind to
stand up for me when the tougher, meaner kids picked on me. I think I was just
awkward enough that it was acceptable for me to be picked on, and of course
being fat. If you’re fat, then people have to pick on you so that you’ll get
better.
So, I dabbled in using my parent’s NordicTrack, fasting,
and forcibly vomiting whenever I consumed more than a glass of skim milk or hot
tea. I really don’t know how I was able to keep up with everything going on my
life, although I do remember all the times I barely made it up the stairs
because of how dizzy I felt. However, I was getting thinner. People even
started to notice. I was miserable, but I was thinner. Hurray! Because that
really is the most important part of being a teenager. Unfortunately, I was
still too fat and too awkward for the bullies to resist.
I gave up on my crazy eating and non-eating habits over the
following summer, got a job, a tan, and all of my chub back despite riding my
bicycle the 7 miles to work and home again. Not long into my sophomore year of
highschool, the pressure of being an academic and extracurricular overachiever
combined with the incessant bullying became too much and I stopped going to
school. It was all a great shock to my parents, my family, and my friends. As
soon as I could, I dropped out of highschool, got an almost perfect score for
my GED, and catapulted myself into adulthood.
My entire childhood, I was bullied for being fat, and for
my entire childhood, I tried desperately not to be fat. Once I entered the
adult world, the fat stigma became more subtle. People seemed to care a bit
less and say a bit less about it to my face, and this was fine by me. However,
I knew that I was still less valuable as a fat girl, so my fight against it
continued.
I was terrified of learning to drive and put it off until I
was twenty and pregnant with my son. Until this time, I rode my bike everywhere
I wanted to go. I had well-muscled legs, but still enough pudge that I could
barely get away with buying clothes in the “normal” section of most stores,
unless those stores were pretentious perfume-pits like Guess or Hollister, in
which case there was absolutely no hope for my size 16 ass.
I learned to pretend to not notice that I was fat, but to
still expect less respect than my thinner coworkers. I was what they call a “good
fattie”. I exercised and dieted. I knew my place in the world was below all the
men and thinner women, for the most part, and that being a “good fattie” meant
accepting that and just being grateful for what accolades I could gather. I
dutifully spoke of my fat as some great sin I would one day shed along with my other
friends who were far less fat than I but still bemoaning their undesirable
lipids. They made-believe I wasn’t fatter than them, and so did I. They evenly
politely insisted that I wasn’t at all fat if I made mention of it, as is
proper.
I squeezed into “normal” sizes for a while and played my
part as best I knew it while still trying to build some semblance of
self-confidence. I dated men that made references to my “pretty face” as an asset
that could counterbalance the fat on my body, and I was happy for the
compliment. I laughed along with my boyfriends and their friends when they
compared me to the Pillsbury Doughboy. I learned laughing along meant getting
along, and that was as good as I thought I deserved.
After giving birth to a surrogate baby (It was wonderful
and fulfilling and another story for another time), I found myself in the plus
size section…and single and stripped of resources that I spent on keeping what
I thought were friends and a loyal significant other happy. Being fat means
having to generally be funnier, more tolerant of bullshit, and more generous if
you are to have any friends at all. However, my postpartum fatness exceeded the
price tag I could afford, and I found myself once again with only a handful of
real friends and a flabby body I couldn’t escape.
One more time, I drank deeply of depression. I filled
myself up with it in such a manner that I couldn’t manage eating. I didn’t even
really have to try to lose the baby weight. It fell off of me as I maneuvered
through the haze of working and just existing. People told me how good I looked
and asked me what I had done. “I’m anxious and sad,” I would reply with a
chuckle. What else could I say? Thank you? The depression of being duped by
people I trusted combined with the hormonal cliff dive of postpartum recovery
robbed me of wanting to eat anything at all. It was so amazingly bizarre to
receive compliments on how I looked at the expense of feeling so terrible.
Throughout this abysmal postpartum hell, I had been talking
to my friend, Mark Nebo. We had been friends for a few years, but not
particularly close. After I decided to open myself up for dating, along with revising
my standards for treatment in the process, Mark asked me out on a date. He
picked me up from my parents’ house and paid for everything, just like I was a
real person and not a fat person that has to barter her way through these
situations because of being less valuable than someone with a smaller
waistline.
I married Mark. I gained about ten pounds or so back before
I did, and although I attempted to get back on the dieting and exercise
rollercoaster, and Mark along with me, we both decided that dieting sucks. Mark
also hates exercise.
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Me on my wedding day with beer, because beer is just another thing Mark and I love that isn't conducive to being thin. |
Since being with someone that has accepted me, just as I
am, I have learned to be able to do the same. I started to realize that being
happy was vastly more important than being thin and that I am, in fact, just as
valuable as anyone else. I started to think of beauty and fashion differently.
I read articles and blogs written by other fat women, and I looked at images of
fat women with pretty hair and make-up and beautiful form-fitting clothes
hugging their voluptuous bodies.
At first, I accepted fatness with conditions. “Curves” were
okay, but “lumps” were not. Hourglass figures were good, but apple-shaped
bodies were still to be shunned. However, I worked through that, as well. I
started to look at myself in the mirror. I saw all of myself as a whole,
instead of just seeing the pieces I thought were fine. As I have aged, grown,
matured, and created life, my body has changed. It will continue to change. I
realized that I could no longer condition my happiness and self-acceptance on
how fat I was or how my body looked. I realized that I would be waiting forever
to allow myself to have something that I’ve deserved to have my entire life.
I like to exercise and to use my muscles. I like to do
things that are physical in nature, but no amount of exercise has ever shaped
me into what society deems acceptable. I have discovered that weight loss is
possible for me, but that the price for such a feat has been far too much for
too little. I have decided that being thinner isn’t worth what I would have to sacrifice
to get it, and that decision is enough for me.
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Northern Michigan with my two fur babies. Please notice how my being fat has literally no effect on my ability to do things. In fact, being fat might have been a boon in this much snow. |
In my arguments for fat acceptance, I have heard people
respond with appeals to health. In all of my fatness, in all of my life, I have
been perfectly healthy in body. My physicals are all fine and my bloodwork is
perfect. My blood pressure and heart rates are at healthy levels. I don’t
believe in God anymore, so I know that this isn’t just some strange miracle
that I manage health with being fat.
However, even if I weren’t healthy, shaming in the name of
health is cruel. If you need further proof, please reread all of the bullying
and criticism I endured because of my fatness and decide if you think it had a
positive outcome. Shaming does nothing to help anyone, and if you think being
fat is the only measure of health, you are utterly wrong. Most people do things
that are “unhealthy”. Some people drink, smoke, or eat food that isn’t healthy.
Some people think less of themselves and become mentally unwell because society
tells them they are the “wrong” size.
Christopher Hitchens flaunted his love for drinking and
smoking, but from what I have seen, the world at large remembers mostly what he
said, not whether or not he lead a vice-free lifestyle. If a person is smart,
or kind, or incredibly hard-working, but also fat, especially if that person is
a woman, I do not understand why this can devalue her accomplishments and her
person so greatly when the same is not true for others who could be scrutinized
in the name of health. So, the argument to reject fat acceptance in the name of
health seems pretty illogical, all things considered.
So then, what is wrong with fat acceptance? Once you
disprove a concern for health as a reason, there isn’t much left that makes any
sense. Being fat doesn’t make me less funny, smart, beautiful, productive,
caring, or creative. The worst thing being fat makes me is, maybe, less
sexually attractive to some people, and for every person passing me up for my
fat, there is another person that likes the extra cuddle mass or just doesn’t
care that much about whether the person they are sexing is fat or not. Accepting
fat people doesn’t take away from the value of other people any more than
allowing gay people to get married delegitimizes the marriages of heterosexual
people.
It took me awhile, but once I realized these truths, I was
able to finally let go of the notion that fat is bad. It was like becoming an
atheist all over again. All of the hurtful nonsense that had been holding me
back fell away, and I was able to just love what life had to offer unabashedly
and without shame.
I know that other people still believe that being fat is
bad, and I know that other people might try to proselytize with their
guilt-ridden drivel in regards to my personal relationship with fat, but that way
of thinking has done nothing but hurt me in the past, and it makes no sense to
me, now.
However my body changes in the future, and whatever I may
decide to do with it, it will not be motivated by shame, guilt, or any other
negativity. In accepting my fat, I have accepted myself and the full potential
of what I deserve and what we all deserve, no matter our size or shape.
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This sums up my general opinion of fat-shaming. |
*If you have any doubts as to my fatness, or are tempted to
believe I am one of the lucky fatties that only have fat in rounded, bubbly
arrangements, I invite you to check out my previous blog post where I have laid
bare (literally) all that is my glorious fat body.